Sunday, 1 January 2017

2016 Reflection

I am currently sat in my bed in the most uncomfortable position, resting on a gigantic plush green dragon that I got for my birthday. However, the birds are chirping and I am listening to some good tunes on my Spotify playlist (endless_xo). I took a quick moment to read my past yearly reflections. It has made me realise how much I have grown in the last two years. - I never thought I would be feeling this way at this moment in time. 

If you told me two years ago that I would be the person I am, I would not believe you. I was probably the most miserable person and if you had a look at posts from 2014-2015, you would notice how deep and saddened I was all the time. I have learnt so, so much and I am struggling to comprehend my thoughts because so much has happened. 

For a lot of the year I found my self in a dark place. I felt so insecure about myself. I am still struggling to pin point why I was feeling this way. I did not feel like my self/still do currently. I guess I have not been taking care of myself as much as I used to. - not exercising, eating poorly, not taking care of my skin, not sleeping etc. Ignoring all these aspects in my life has made me notice how horrible it makes me feel. My insecurities were not just physically, but mentally. I was scared to open my heart to people; scared to talk about the simple things such as what I like and dislike. I think it is because I am still learning about myself and learning what I am comfortable with. I think it may be because I have developed trust issues over the years, which has made me struggle to open up to people. I am slowly trying to overcome that barrier in my life and so far I have gotten to know some really lovely people. Essentially, for twenty seventeen, I am going to start taking care of myself, both physically and mentally. 

Putting myself first has been a little life motto that I have tried to stick by since the beginning of the year. This basically relates to all aspects of my life, including relationships and even school. I had this thought through out the year, noting that I need to put my mental health before anything. So, if that meant getting slightly lower marks in exams than I am used to, then I am fine with that as long as I know that my mind is in a good place and I am not provoking any anxiety or stress. I have felt that in the past, by putting other peoples problems in priority before my own has ironically made me an awful person. - it probably sounds selfish, but I feel as though if I focus on myself and  got to know myself a lot more, I would then be able to understand and empathise with other people.  

One of the most difficult life lessons this past year has been to understand that there are really mean and selfish people in the world. This probably seems obvious to many people; but when these mean and selfish people are actually in your life, it a little bit of a difficult thing to wrap your head around. I feel like I constantly ramble on about this in my blog posts, but I have had quite the trouble with friends in the past, especially one in particular who was fundamentally 'too faced', as you would call it. Meaning, that they would say really awful things behind my back, whilst pretending to be a really good friend, especially at times where I would open up to them. - I guess this is why I have a bit of trust issues. These past two years has allowed me to grieve and feel awful about myself, although, most importantly reflect on why I have made these life decisions such as removing negative people out of my life. All of this has made me realise that I cannot let people ruin my life and disintegrate me. There are awful people in the world with awful hearts and they may come into your life at some point, and as much as it sucks, you have to understand that they come into your life for a reason. 

In the end of November/early December, my grade went on a retreat. It was a time to reflect on myself and see my goals, my achievements and even my regrets in life.The vision of my goals for the future are still blurred, my achievements are lacking a bit of self acknowledgement and I do not really think I have any regrets. - There has definitely been things in the past that I maybe wish I had not done, however, mistakes only make you learn and grow.  Any-who, from this retreat I was able to not necessarily open my heart to people, but rather got to know other peoples hearts. It was a really amazing experience where my peers shared stories that I never knew. It goes to show that there are people out there who do struggle, who do hurt and do have feelings. For the longest time I used to always believe that I was alone, like I was cursed with all these problems; even though so many people told me that I was not alone. I guess experiencing this first hand, changes your thoughts a little. So, I have really learnt that I am not the only one with problems. I have learnt that it is so important to talk to people on a deeper level to not only help them release some tension, but rather learn from them and connect. 

Apart from the deep life lessons, this has been pretty okay. - A lot better than last year I must say. I have had some really amazing memories such as seeing The Vamps, James Bay and Selena Gomez in concert. I have had quite the cry laugh moments with many of my friends; and the list goes on. I truly hope that these life lessons stick by me for the new year and that I learn and grow a lot more. I am now in my final year of school, which excites me but kind of scares me because I have no idea about my future...I hope this year allows me understand more about myself and other people. I hope this year blesses us all with positivity and optimism.

Love always,
Sara xo 

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